


escape routes for hospital hearts

by glowyinthedark



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Abortion, Angst, F/M, Implied Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:02:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28062129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glowyinthedark/pseuds/glowyinthedark
Summary: "She hears babies in her dreams. She leaves him voicemails sobbing, telling him about them. Telling him that she's sorry, sorry about so many things that she's done to him, to all of them. She tells him about how empty she feels. That she constantly feels like she is missing something, telling him that sometimes she wished she had gotten rid of herself instead. He never returns her calls."Or Kiara finds her life full of mistakes and regrets she desperately wishes she could take back.
Relationships: JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks), Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	escape routes for hospital hearts

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea in my head for a bit now, but could not decide if I wanted to publish it or not, but here we are. This is my first work so I apologize in advance for any grammatical or spelling errors, but anyways enjoy!
> 
> A little side note, this all occurs pre-series during Kiara's kook year.

She can't breathe, which is kind of impossible in a room full of oxygen, but somehow she is doing it. She's not breathing.

It's supposed to be weightless, to _feel_ weightless, but somehow the weight of the tiny object in her hands feels like it is trying to pull her underneath the ground. The room feels like it is closing in on her. Everything is too much too fast, yet she is still able to reach for her phone. 

For a minute she forgets. Everything is normal and she forgets why she felt like her world was even ending in the first place, then she looks down at her hands and he heart drops once more. She barely manages to type out Pope's number due to the constant shaking of her fingers, but she does and just prays that for once he would just answer his damn phone. When he doesn't she feels like she is going to throw up all over again. 

The world stops for a few minutes until she falls back into reality. Everything has gone numb and she can't really process what to do. She just wants to crawl into the corner opposite of the toilet and cry forever. At this point she doesn't even know who she is calling, she just hopes that someone will answer. When someone finally does she hears her heartbeat in her ears.

"Kiara?" Pope asks her.

She knows she's supposed to answer back, that she is the one who called him, but there is so much distance between them she doesn't even know where to begin. 

"Kiara? Are you there? What do you want?" 

She tries to answer him, but every time she opens her mouth nothing comes out. She wants to scream and cry and take it all back, find herself a time machine before she let herself fuck things up this badly. "I know you hate me, and I know you don't owe me any favours, but I wouldn't be calling if it wasn't super important and I just don't know what to do" she manages to get out in between sobs. 

She can hear his sigh of annoyance and she wants to kick herself because even she would not forgive her. The apology is shitty, she knows that, but she doesn't know how to say the things she really wants to say. 

_I'm sorry I left, but I fell in love with my best friend. And then we slept together, and then we slept with each other again, and again. And then I felt like I was suffocating, that I needed to leave. I couldn't handle it anymore, looking at him knowing what we were doing and how I felt and I couldn't do it anymore. S_ _o I ditched all of you for Sarah Cameron who now hates me. I'm sorry, I hate myself too._

"Just get to the point I don't have time for this." He sounds frustrated. She doesn't blame him, if he did to her what she did to them she probably would not have even bothered to pick up the phone. 

"I think I'm pregnant." She doesn't mean to blurt it out. It kind of just happens, but she knows if she didn't spit it out now she probably would have never been able to say it out loud. 

\-----

The five minutes Pope takes to get to her house feels like years. She waits on the floor with the test clutched in her hand, as if it is the only thing keeping her in reality. When the doorbell rings she doesn't feel herself get up and walk towards the door, she can't feel her legs moving, she can't really feel anything at all. 

When she opens the door he looks nervous, which makes her realize that this is a really big fucking deal. They kind of just stand there for a minute before she realizes that she is supposed to let him inside or something. She doesn't really say anything, she just moves to the side a little bit so that he can walk in, and then closes the door once he gets the hit and heads inside. 

"Why didn't you ask one of your kook friends?" he scoffs at her and her face crumbles. He almost looks guilty, but as soon as she sees it, it disappears and his face is set to stone once more. 

"So what's your game plan here?" He asks her after a few moments of silence has passed. His abrupt question startles her and for a second she forgets all of this was actually real. She hesitates for a minute. 

"I don't know." She whispers out because it sounds pathetic. He sighs and sits down on the couch behind him. He runs a hand over his face. 

"Does he even know?" he questions. She feels the same wash over herself in waves, she doesn't even know how he knew it was JJ's, but then feels like an idiot because JJ probably told them after she left. The tears begin to pool in her eyes, so she doesn't respond in fear they will start spilling down her cheeks. She shakes her head. "Fuck" he grumbles which makes her flinch. It stays quiet for a minute before he speaks up again "do you want him to?" 

She hadn't really thought about it. She had called him because it was like muscle memory, every time she needed saving he was the one that she would call. She knew that even if she didn't want to, she had too because this was just as much his mess as it was hers. She doesn't have the heart or energy to tell Pope all of that, so she settles on silence for a couple of minutes. 

"I called him, he didn't answer." is what she decides is the appropriate answer. It's not like she's lying, but it's not like she's telling the whole truth either. He nods his head slowly and she thinks he understands what she really means, _I know I should, I just can't._

"Is there anyone else you want me to call?" She closes her eyes and the tears finally begin to fall. She can already see the disappointment in everyone's eyes. She thinks she shakes her head but she can't really remember. He sighs, "I think you're supposed to go to a doctor or something to confirm it." 

She nods and swallows to make room for her voice. "Yeah that makes sense." 

He nods and gets up from the couch. "Great. Make an appointment and we'll go tomorrow." With that he turns around and heads out her front door.

She doesn't sleep at all that night. 

\-----

She waits for Pope the next morning on her front steps with her head in her hands. When she finally hears the Twinkie roll into her driveway she grabs her phone and wallet from beside her and heads towards the passenger seat. She stops in her tracks when she sees John B in the drivers seat. She looks at Pope who just shrugs. She doesn't have the energy to be angry with him, and part of her is thankful that he told John B in hopes that he would show her a little compassion, she was growing a little tired of Pope's cold stares. She hops in the back and stares out the window so she doesn't have to look either of them in the eye. 

The car ride is silent and the never ending feeling of wanting to throw up stays with her the entire time. When they reach the clinic she closes her eyes, thinking maybe this is all a dream. Maybe when she opens her eyes again she will be back in her bed, cozy and warm and not feeling like she is going to collapse every two seconds. She wants to sink into the ground when she opens her eyes and they are all still inside of the car. They both look at her for a moment before John B asks her "do you want us to come?" 

She just stares blankly at the both of them because if she's being honest? She doesn't know what she wants anymore. They look at each other for a minute before simultaneously getting out of the car. She would feel happy to see that they are still so alike if she wasn't desperately trying to convince herself that none of this is real instead. 

When they get out of the car she finally throws up. She barely makes it to the trash can on time and when she is done she feels emptier than before. John B waits for her to finish, then hands her a piece of gum. Pope has already started to make his way inside. She smiles a little back to him as a way a thank you before throwing the wrapper in the trash. She envies the way it flows so carefree into the trashcan. 

\-----

The sound of babies crying makes her nauseous again. She doesn't hear her name being called, she just feels a tugging on her arm and when she looks up there is a nurse in pink scrubs smiling down at her. John B asks her if she wants him to go with her while Pope reads through a magazine, but when the nurse looks her up and down and then paints a concerned look on her face he gets up anyways. 

The walk to to the room seems endless. She closes her eyes again, trying to see once more if this is all just some sick nightmare, but when she opens her eyes all she sees is the door being held open for her. 

She wants to cry again. They make her pee in a cup, and when she hands it to the nurse she smalls sadly at her in return. The doctor seems too perky when she walks in. The way she acts makes Kiara annoyed because why does the doctor get to be happy while she is living her own personal hell. When she finally notices Kiara her face falls a little because apparently teenage pregnancies are the most tragic things in the world. Somehow she stays smiling. She wants to die when the doctor congratulates her, and when the doctor congratulates John B as well she remembers that he is also in the room standing in the back corner. 

"The father doesn't know" she blurts out to do some damage control, but then she internally kicks herself the moment it comes out because it just makes everything sound worse. The doctor just smiles back at her because what else is she supposed to fucking do. When the doctor asks her if she is planning to keep the baby, she thanks everything she believes in that there is a bathroom so close because she ends up throwing up again. 

\------

When they return back to her house, her hands are full of pamphlets of things she never thought she would have to consider doing. She doesn't notice the van has come to a stop until Pope clears his throat. She tries to think of a way to get them to come inside because she is so tired of being alone. 

"Do you guys want to come in or something?" Her voice is small and she hopes they get the hint. 

They look at each other before John B nods. "Yeah okay." 

She feels like this is all an out of body experience. That she is just watching all of this happen to her and there is nothing she can do about it. Pope sits on the same spot as he did yesterday and John B follows and sits beside him. 

She stays standing. "Do you guys want anything to drin-"

"Can I just ask how the hell this happened?" Pope asks her and John B shoots him a glare. She wants to scream because she doesn't fucking know. She is a smart girl, they all know that. 

"We were careful," she mumbles out, and by the looks of their faces it is clear that they would rather not hear any specific details. "I swear we were" she almost cries because Pope gives her a funny look. Now he just looks at her like she's lost her mind. "I know, I know I'm supposed to know better." She wants to scream because she does, she does know better, she is better than this, she knows she is. "This wasn't supposed to happen. We were careful, you know JJ. Maybe it ripped or he put it on wrong or-or I don't know. I had it all planned out, I was going to leave here. Go travel the world and forget everything that has happened. This isn't supposed to be happening." Her voice breaks and she hates herself because fuck, she's supposed to be stronger than this.

"Is that why you stopped hanging out with us?" John B asks and the look on her face breaks her heart. How is she supposed to explain to them that she doesn't know why she did? She has no good reason. 

"No I-I found out the day I told Pope." She knows they are looking for more, for a proper reason for ditching them the way she did. "I don't know why, I'm sorry. I just wish that I hadn't." She knows she owes them so much more than that, but she just hopes to god it's enough. 

\-----

JJ corner her while she's closing up at The Wreck. She wants to run as soon as she sees him walk through the door, knowing that John B or Pope had probably told him. She turns away the second he sees her cleaning a table in the corner. She doesn't look up as soon as he gets to her, just re-cleans the already clean table. 

"You called me yesterday." She curses because how the fuck could she forget that she called him. 

"Oh I did? Must have been an accident." She knows he's not convinced because he grabs her wrist as soon as she tries to walk away. 

"Are you sure?" She can't read the tone of his voice, whether he's mad at her because he knows or whether he has no clue. His fingers feel like they are burning her skin so she tugs her wrist out of his grasp. She finally looks him in the eye and thinks to herself _fuck it, might as well get this over with._

"Yeah I'm sure JJ." She walks past him and tries not to notice how she can feel his eyes on her as she walks into the kitchen. 

\-----

She wants a cigarette. She's only ever smoked weed, but for some reason the only thing she is craving right now is a damn cigarette. She walks to a corner store after her morning shift the next day and buys herself a pack and a lighter. The cashier just shakes her head while ringing it in, but she blows it off because she's used to the looks of disappointment by now. She sits at the dock where no one can really see her and tries to light one. She brings the cigarette to her lips and tries to smoke it like how they do in the movies. She realizes that she must have done something wrong because she is having a coughing fit and feels like she is going to pass out. She is about to go in for another drag when the cigarette is ripped out of her fingers and thrown into the water. Part of her wants to scream at whoever did it for potentially killing a sea turtle, the other half just cannot bring herself to care. She watches the light go out and feels disappointed because she was really starting to like the feeling of being numb. 

"Are you insane?!" She cringes because her is another lecture that she doesn't want to hear. "You're carrying a child Kiara." She's stopped flinching every time they have called her Kiara over Kie, she supposes that she's lost the right to that nickname. She looks up at Pope like he's crazy and his facial expression softens slightly, but is still angry. "Stop being selfish, you fucked up now deal with it." His words feel like a slap in the face. 

She wants to say _Fuck you Pope_. "I would be a shitty mother" is what she says instead. 

It stays silent for a moment, and then Pope grabs her arm and tugs her up. "Come on, let's go to the Chateau and watch a movie or something." He looks confused when she stays frozen in her spot looking hesitant before he realizes, "JJ's at work." 

The minute she steps inside she feels like crying, but makes it halfway through Twilight (because she made Pope choose the movie and that's the only one out of John B's crappy collection that he thinks she would like) before she actually does and Pope awkwardly wraps her arms around her as she breaks down into his chest. 

She makes an appointment for Friday. 

\-----

The week drags along and suddenly it's Friday. She doesn't tell either John B or Pope about it, thinking it would probably be better that way. She leaves thirty minutes before her shift is done at The Wreck, telling her dad he has a nail appointment with Sarah and he hasn't paid enough attention to notice that she hasn't talked to Sarah in weeks. She doesn't stay long enough to hear his response, just walks out. 

When she gets there she thinks that maybe going alone was a bad idea. She cries when they bring her into the room. When the doctor walks in she wants the world to stop, she wants this nightmare to be over, she wants it all to go away. She wants nothing but JJ in this moment to be her knight and shining armour once more. She tells the doctor she thinks that she would be a terrible mother. The doctor just smiles sadly at her and tells her that the procedure won't be any more painful than the feeling of some strong period cramps and to tell her when she is ready. She wants to tell the doctor she doesn't think she will ever be. They wait a minute and she starts to cry again. 

"I don't want to be alone" she starts sobbing. "I don't want to do this alone" she's gasping for breath at this point and the doctor waits patiently until she's calmed down. 

"You're not alone" She replies back while grabbing her hand. 

She looks at the doctor one last time before the procedure starts.

"I'm killing my child."

The doctor just squeezes her hand until her sobs settle into whimpers and she prays that this will not take long because she doesn't think she can do it if it takes any longer. 

"Ready?" The doctor asks and Kiara nods. She puts her hand on her belly before the doctor starts. 

"I'm sorry baby," she whispers. "I'm so sorry." 

\-----

She drinks too much at a party one night and asks JJ to pick her up. She doesn't know why out all people it is him that she calls, but he picks her up within ten minutes and she nearly trips on the way to the van. When she notices he's on the route to her house she quickly places a hand on his arm and frantically shakes her head. He looks at her with an eyebrow raised. 

"Please. I don't wanna go home." 

He doesn't know why he listens, but he takes her to the Chateau anyways. On the way there she asks him if he thinks they would make cute kids and he laughs at how adorable she is while she's drunk.

When they are on the pullout bed watching some movie she's not really paying attention too, she starts to kiss his neck. He pulls away and looks at her confused which causes her eyes to swell up with tears. 

"I just want to feel something," she begs him. "Please, make me feel something." He shuts off the movie and forces them both to go to sleep. It's not until she wakes him up in the middle of the night with her sobbing and mumbling between gasps of breath that she feels like she's missing something and that she's sorry, that he finally understands what she means. 

She is gone before he wakes up in the morning. A note scribbled in her messy handwriting where she was laying, _please don't hate me_. He crumples it up and throws it on the floor. A child. _His child,_ and she just got rid of them without even telling him. 

\-----

She hears babies in her dreams. She leaves him voicemails sobbing, telling him about them. Telling him that she's sorry, sorry about so many things that she's done to him, to all of them. She tells him about how empty she feels. That she constantly feels like she is missing something, telling him that sometimes she wished she had gotten rid of herself instead. He never returns her calls. 

\-----

A year later she sits beside him on a log at a kegger. It stays quiet for what feels like eternity before she finally decides to speak up. 

"I did it because I didn't think even a baby could make you love me."

He gets up and leaves. 

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is of course welcome and appreciated! Thanks for reading.


End file.
